I had been studying for at least 7 hours everyday in the library (Mon-Wed : DBKU library ; Thursday : School library). I did nothing much at night cause my eyes already hurt and parts of my body felt restless. Thus, I often threw myself on the bed after reaching home (sometime in the evening) until I 'remembered' dinner. I became more like a pig... Eat, Sleep, (add in one more word) study. The problem was I could not sleep though I wanted/needed to.
I did not think I could go 'haywire' because of study until today. I did not feel any headache. I could not feel the stress. I smiled and laughed and joked. Maybe I am just bored which explains why I could not be myself (or control myself) lately.
Today got video editing follow-up (which I attended after having lunch and group study with O). I was not (<--more to 'could not') thinking anymore of what I was saying. Don't know why...
P's eyes looks serious. I wanna be serious too! Gosh, so mad with myself because I could not (did not) commit myself totally to video-editing. I failed to do/complete my first 'homework' or video-editing project. My homework/project restarts. Me awfully quiet then. The multimedia room was full with AK, O, S and P's voice.
It has already been 2 hours when the clock struck 4pm. Dad already arrived to pick me up from the youth room. Everyone seemed busy and their eyes so serious when I left with some small goodbyes. Have I annoyed, irritate, angered, etc. them somehow? Or maybe it's because P and AL. somewhat failed their driving test today? =X Or maybe it's just me (pretending that I can see through the eyes)?
Dad brought me to tuition (starts at 4.30pm) later. Everything went well (as what I thought) until I could not 'take in' anymore. Let me call this phenomena "brain cramp". "Brain cramp" (as what I called it) is something like my mind could not focus/concentrate or 'take in' anymore. I took too much time on trying to understand and remember some new things that were taught. Also, I took too much time to understand and answer one simple objective question. Was I in the midst of breaking down? I did not realized it because I was smiling and talking and joking with Mr. Voon (my tuition teacher).
The clock struck 6.30pm. Everyone were leaving when I am still sitting at where I was. Mr. Voon left for dinner and will be back soon (7pm - 9pm) to teach in physics tuition later (which I also attended). I stayed back in the same room and still doing the exercises until it happened again. Scribbled exercises, thrown pen, etc were the products. There was only one girl (sleeping) in the class when that happened. I took my earplug and went down the stairs where I fell down. It hurts but I still kick my injured/sprained leg against the wall. Call me emo... caused I somewhat enjoyed the pain. (Don't know why I laughed when I tried to 'fix' my leg).
I was able to walk properly but was still worried if the pain will become more serious tomorrow. I walked to a place where I sat alone... where it is quite safe and I can be seen. There, I prayed to God. I was still kinda mad for no particular reason. I was mad at myself. I was not able to please Him and stuffs. I kept asking Him for things. "Why isit about me when it's all about You?". "Change me, Change Me, CHANGE ME! I wanna become more like you"
I took out my HP and listened to some Christian Songs in my playlist. The music player was set to shuffle mode and the songs played were "Voice of Truth", "Lead me to the Cross", "Hosanna", and "Spirit Come". These songs became my prayer. His presence became my comfort. His Holy Spirit became my guide. I was so thankful yet feeling so guilty over many things. Someone shook me from the back and it was W who just arrived for tuition. Another voice called out to me and it was Mr. Voon with his jokes... "Eh, why you so emo? You putus cinta isit?". (=.= I never had girlfriend before!) Anyways, God has worked His wonders on me. He made me feel belonged. He brought me out from my short emo-ness and loneliness feelings. He made me appreciate more!! =) Thank You, Lord!!
Extras :
I told W and Mr. Voon about my leg and they could not 'fix' it (probably because my feet is smelly which explains why Mr. Voon says so). Thus, I 'fixed' or twisted it myself. It was kinda painful but I laughed. Still don't know why... =.= Maybe there were some 'laughing' nerve at the feet which was injured (which I tried to 'fix'). The pain remained but did not get worst on Friday. The pains was gone on Saturday!! PTL!! =D
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